Honestly, talking about what I deal with day in and day out regarding my chronic back pain issues is still tough for me. Usually I'm so open with most everything in my life but I feel like I've been holding on to this and I don't really have a valid reason. I've recently come to terms with my ailment and am more confident that God has a plan to use me for something good.
The previous two weeks have been therapeutic in many ways. Being without Penny has allowed me more freedom with my schedule away from work and I've been able to visit family a few times. The house is quieter, for sure, without her but I've enjoyed not having the demands of a dog around the house.
Most don't realize the toll chronic back pain takes on all aspects of an otherwise normal lifestyle. The simplest things such as turning to get out of bed or standing and reaching into a cabinet for a plate and even still, just sitting in a straight-back chair all wreak exacerbating pain throughout my entire lower back. Because these simple tasks turn into mountainous hurdles to climb on an hourly basis, days always seem to feel like a competition with myself that never ends. Laying back in my recliner at the end of the day is my only reward or respite of comfort. Sometimes I just have to laugh at how simplified and dumbed down I've had to gear my life. I can't say there haven't been tears either.
I used to be so active with sports, man how I miss golf. I've given thought to selling my clubs. Being able to mow and string-trim 10 yards a day is now behind me to some extent. My best memories of younger years are filled with soccer and mowing. There's more things I truly enjoy doing that I think up everyday that I'll continue to miss. I won't list them all because it would look like a pity party. The point is that I'm trying to stay positive through all this. Obviously I'm not able to see into the future and know if I'll ever be able to do certain things or if they are forever in my past, but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that it's a good possibility that I won't be able to.
Mom has helped me put into prospective what it means at my age to go through something so rare. She, too, is a 'survivor' of a rare congenital affliction. To have my own mother know what it's like to have to explain to everyone what is going on and why I'm doing certain things has helped keep me sane. She's comforted me in a way that only a mother can but also in a way that only someone that's been through so much pain can also.
The overall support I've had from family and friends has been so inspiring. I'm lucky to have each one in my life. I've always said that You Get What You Give. Throughout my young life I've tried as much as possible to treat others how I would want to be treated. It's come back to me 10-fold for sure, and that's not gloating on my side.
My daily reality is that every action made when not in my recliner causes unbearable pain. The goal of not taking medicine for the pain has past. It's no longer an option to live without the medicine. Part of me has been taken away.
The part that can never be taken away, however, is my faith that God has something special in store for me. My ultimate goal is now through my affliction to make Jesus known. I've chosen to use my ailment for His glory. Behind me may be a lot of good memories of being active, but what lies ahead is even greater. The future, in my mind and heart, looks brighter than anything that I've been through yet.
I'm not going to turn into some recliner couch potato who whines about how he can't do stuff anymore. Please know that I've made a commitment to shed my past and give God the glory for saving me from selfishness when I could have thrown in the towel being faced with all this pain.
So that's what I've been chewing on lately. I'm absolutely miserable almost every hour of the day, but this body is not mine. I'm living proof that our bodies are literally HELL. Every day is an example to me that this world is hell but Heaven is the only reward I should seek. Most people don't ever realize this because they don't suffer through chronic pain, or have a body that they don't want to be in. God has shown me this and I want to make it known. I continue to pray that He will work through me so that I may impact the lives of the few that would read this.
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.
Most don't realize the toll chronic back pain takes on all aspects of an otherwise normal lifestyle. The simplest things such as turning to get out of bed or standing and reaching into a cabinet for a plate and even still, just sitting in a straight-back chair all wreak exacerbating pain throughout my entire lower back. Because these simple tasks turn into mountainous hurdles to climb on an hourly basis, days always seem to feel like a competition with myself that never ends. Laying back in my recliner at the end of the day is my only reward or respite of comfort. Sometimes I just have to laugh at how simplified and dumbed down I've had to gear my life. I can't say there haven't been tears either.
I used to be so active with sports, man how I miss golf. I've given thought to selling my clubs. Being able to mow and string-trim 10 yards a day is now behind me to some extent. My best memories of younger years are filled with soccer and mowing. There's more things I truly enjoy doing that I think up everyday that I'll continue to miss. I won't list them all because it would look like a pity party. The point is that I'm trying to stay positive through all this. Obviously I'm not able to see into the future and know if I'll ever be able to do certain things or if they are forever in my past, but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that it's a good possibility that I won't be able to.
At first when all the doctors and nurses would say "you're too young to be having back problems" I would just kinda chuckle and agree with them. That was when I didn't fully understand my condition and what Bertolotti's Syndrome meant for my future.
From Wikipedia: Bertolotti's syndrome is a form of lumbago in the lumbosacral transitional vertebrae. The syndrome is not usually treated, as not much is known yet about these spinal segments. It is named for Mario Bertolotti, an Italian physician. Bertolotti's syndrome is defined by a transitional 5th lumbar vertebra resulting in partial sacralization. Of importance is that this syndrome will result in a pain generating 4th lumbar disc resulting in a "sciatic" type of a pain correlating to the 5th lumbar nerve root. Usually the transitional vertebra will have a "spatulated" transverse process on one side resulting in articulation or partial articulation with the sacrum or at time the illium and in some cases with both. This results in limited / altered motion at the lumbo-sacral articulation. This loss of motion will then be compensated for at segments superior to the transitional vertebra resulting in accelerated degeneration and strain through the L4 disc level which can become symptomatic and inflame the adjacent L5 nerve root resulting in "sciatic" or radicular pain patterns. This is a congenital condition and is usually not symptomatic until one's later twenties or early thirties.
The overall support I've had from family and friends has been so inspiring. I'm lucky to have each one in my life. I've always said that You Get What You Give. Throughout my young life I've tried as much as possible to treat others how I would want to be treated. It's come back to me 10-fold for sure, and that's not gloating on my side.
My daily reality is that every action made when not in my recliner causes unbearable pain. The goal of not taking medicine for the pain has past. It's no longer an option to live without the medicine. Part of me has been taken away.
The part that can never be taken away, however, is my faith that God has something special in store for me. My ultimate goal is now through my affliction to make Jesus known. I've chosen to use my ailment for His glory. Behind me may be a lot of good memories of being active, but what lies ahead is even greater. The future, in my mind and heart, looks brighter than anything that I've been through yet.
I'm not going to turn into some recliner couch potato who whines about how he can't do stuff anymore. Please know that I've made a commitment to shed my past and give God the glory for saving me from selfishness when I could have thrown in the towel being faced with all this pain.
So that's what I've been chewing on lately. I'm absolutely miserable almost every hour of the day, but this body is not mine. I'm living proof that our bodies are literally HELL. Every day is an example to me that this world is hell but Heaven is the only reward I should seek. Most people don't ever realize this because they don't suffer through chronic pain, or have a body that they don't want to be in. God has shown me this and I want to make it known. I continue to pray that He will work through me so that I may impact the lives of the few that would read this.
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.
